Not Feeling So Jolly This Christmas?

Wellbeing Tips for the Festive Season

By Adele Bergin, Psychologist

Click here for New Year Resolutions that Stick

For many people, the holiday season is a happy time to connect with others and celebrate. But for others, the holiday season can be stressful. Financial issues, family conflict, grief and loss, being unable to make it home, being affected by natural disasters, having to work, not feeling safe in your home, being unwell, or spending the holidays alone, can all increase feelings of stress, anxiety, depression, and loneliness. Other people struggle with the sheer volume of extra responsibilities and activities during this time, navigating celebrations and festivities, and the temptation to overindulge in food and alcohol.

Whatever the reasons behind the worries; stress, anxiety, and depression are often high during the holidays. Finding ways to take care of yourself is always important, but particularly so at this time of year. If you find yourself getting stressed or feeling down during the holiday season, here are some practical tips to hopefully find some peace and joy. 
 

1. Keep your Expectations Real

We often have a vision of what an ideal Christmas looks like, which can place a lot of stress on us. Try not to get hung up on what Christmas is "supposed to look like" or how you're "supposed to feel." If you compare your celebrations to the perfect Christmas card or try to keep up with the Kardashians, chances are they will come up short. No one's Christmas is perfect.

Instead, take time to reflect on what really matters to you. Is it spending time with the people you love and care about? Slowing down and giving yourself a break? Having a laugh?

Instead of putting yourself under pressure to create the "perfect" Christmas, focus on what is most important about the day.

(Also, if looking at other people’s Instagram posts of curated happy families in matching pyjamas is making you feel bad – consider a digital diet over the holidays 😊). 

2. Consider New Traditions

People often feel compelled to keep family traditions going until they are past the point anyone is actually enjoying them.

Don't run yourself into the ground trying to live up to Christmas traditions.

As families change and grow, traditions and rituals change as well.

Consider those you want to hold on to, but consider creating new ones too that are more meaningful to you personally. 

3. Try Not to Anticipate the Worst!

If your past Christmases have been a bit bumpy, try not to start off this Christmas season anticipating the worst. Assuming or expecting the worst in a situation is an unhelpful thinking style that Psychologists refer to as “catastrophizing”. Catastophizing is unhelpful because it can lead to feeling stressed, anxious, and negatively impact our mood.

The fact is, catastrophizing thoughts are not accurate pictures of reality. We do not know that lunch will be a disaster; or that the work Christmas party will be boring; or that your two uncles are going to get in a fight on Christmas day. In fact, the exact opposite could occur, or more likely, something in between is likely.

What we do know is that anticipating the worst outcome can lead us to worry or dread the situation, and negatively impact our wellbeing. 

If you have a tendency to catastrophize, try these three steps:

1. Recognise when you are having catastrophizing thoughts. It might help to tell yourself, "I notice I am having catastrophizing thoughts about this". 
2. Try to find a more accurate / balanced way of looking at the situation. For example, you could reframe the thought "the work Christmas party will be boring," to thinking "OK, maybe I’ll get stuck in one or two boring conversations, but I am looking forward to talking to [colleague] and I might also meet someone new and interesting." The aim is to not necessarily make your thinking "positive" (i.e., "the party is going to be amazing!!!") - because that may also not be accurate. Instead, the goal is to find a more realistic and balanced view of the situation. 
3. If you still think the worst outcome might occur, ask yourself, "what could I do in advance to prepare?", and "what skills you I have that can help me get through the situation?" Remind yourself of what has helped you get through previous difficult situations.  

4. Lean on Your Support Network

If you are feeling stressed, anxious, or depressed, you need a support network of close family and/or friends to turn to when things get tough. 

Make the time to catch up with people you can trust and confide in (or at least keep in touch by phone) to keep yourself centered.

5. Set A Budget

Financial stressors are best managed by setting a budget on all activities, including gifts, food, events and holidays, and making lists of what you actually need in order to avoid making impulse purchases. If you can, agree with family members and friends to set a limit on the cost of gifts. If you are hosting an event, you could suggest everyone “bring a plate”. Don’t be afraid to say no to attending events if you really can’t afford them and they are only going to put more stress on you financially. Consider gifting homemade gifts or starting a family gift exchange (i.e., everyone bring something from their house they no longer want).

Look for inexpensive and free events that are held in your area over the holiday period (for Melbourne, see here).                                           
                                                                     

6. Set Healthy Boundaries

If you have a pattern of people-pleasing over the holidays, then you may want to consider setting healthy boundaries.

According to Dr Brené Brown, healthy boundaries are “simply our lists of what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

Setting boundaries with some people – especially family – can be challenging, as it can bring up feelings of guilt. However, when we don’t set boundaries, we prioritise other people’s needs over our own needs. Not protecting our needs can lead to feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and resentful, which can ultimately damage those relationships. In contrast, setting healthy boundaries can lead to greater self-esteem, a sense of who you are, less burnout, and benefit you and your relationships. 

Boundaries are different for everyone, because they relate to your own personal limits. They might look like: Setting limits around the amount of time you spend at certain social or family events; saying no to requests from your boss or co-worker that are outside your availability, scope or capacity; suggesting a budget-friendlier option if you still want to be part of Christmas plans; or prioritising time for self-care. 

Once you know your boundaries, make sure you clearly communicate them. Take a deep breathe and assert your needs in a kind, direct way, e.g., “I don’t have the capacity to help you with [that request] right now, but maybe [this resource] can help”; or “I would love to come to your party, but I can only stay for an hour”. Once people are aware of your boundaries, most people will respect them. Learn more here.

7. Be Assertive and Ask for Help

If you are feeling overwhelmed, ask for help!

Ask your partner to dig out the Christmas decorations; a family member to help cook Christmas lunch; or a friend to come along on shopping trips.

No one is a mind reader, and people are often more willing to help out then you expect; but they need to be asked!

8. Make Time for Yourself

To keep mentally healthy during the Christmas period, try to keep up your normal routine as much as possible. Disrupting your schedule and losing out on sleep can have a negative effect on your mood. Make sure to focus on the following:

• Include regular physical activity in your daily routine. Don’t beat yourself up if you are not able to go to the gym as much during this time. Just try to work some form of physical activity into even the busiest days – e.g., park the car the furthest from the entry to the shops, walk to the grocery store, do some stretching before bed. Even a brisk, 10-minute walk around the block can benefit mood. 

• Schedule “me time”. Sometimes you need to get away from the hustle and bustle and focus on relaxation. Run yourself a bath, meditate, sit in the sun and read, go to the beach, head to the local park, get a massage, listen to music, take a walk at night and stargaze; do whatever you need to do for some “me time” and re-energise yourself. You can’t keep on top of your tasks and care for others if you don’t first care for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do.
• Get a good night sleep. Learn habits for getting a better night sleep here.

9. Remember that Alcohol is a Depressant

T’is the season to be merry, but remember, while drinking alcohol can initially relieve stress and elevate mood, alcohol is a depressant and too much can drain energy, adversely affect sleep, and decrease mood. It can also result in risky decision making, increase stress, and lead to the dreaded “hangxiety”.

If you are feeling stressed/anxious/depressed during the festive season, you might want to check your alcohol intake. Follow these tips to drink more wisely and stay within safe guidelines these holidays: 

• Plan some alcohol-free days. There are now many non-alcoholic drinks to try.
• Slow your drinking down and enjoy the experience more by savouring what you are drinking. Let it sit in your mouth a few seconds longer than normal and focus your attention on the different tastes and sensations.
• Pace yourself by alternating alcoholic drinks with non-alcoholic drinks (e.g., a glass of water between drinks), or create a spritzer by adding sparkling water to your wine.
• Avoid drinking on an empty stomach and eat before and while you are drinking. Alcohol takes longer to be absorbed by your body when there is food in the stomach. 
• Plan activities for your friends/family that don’t involve alcohol. 
   

10. Check your Sugar Intake

For many people the joy of Christmas is associated with the food – because it is the best!

Similar to alcohol, however, eating too much high sugar food can leave you feeling lethargic and low. In addition, if you consume excess sugar (or refined carbohydrates) as comfort food to help manage difficult emotions, you may only end up making these feelings worse. Many studies have shown a link between diets high in sugar and depression.

If you find you are feeling stressed or low during the holiday season, try to focus on eating plenty of vegetables, fruit and lean protein, and drink lots of water, in between the festivities. And if you do eat a few extra gingerbread or fruit mince tarts - don't beat yourself up. They are delicious! Just try and get back on track the next day. 

11. Label your Emotions

This can be an emotional time of year. Whether you are stressed, joyful, irritated, lonely, nostalgic, hopeful, overwhelmed, angry, worried, or sad, riding the waves of emotions can be tiring.

Feelings such as sadness or worry are difficult to manage, especially at a time when we are told we are meant to be merry and joyful. As a result, most people try to ignore those feelings, push them away, or drown them in alcohol. Unfortunately, these feelings don’t go away, and instead, can come back with a vengeance.

One important first step for effectively managing difficult emotions is to simply recognise and name them. That is, when a feeling starts bubbling up inside of you, take a moment to notice it and label it to yourself or someone else (e.g., “I am feeling worried”).

The act of simply acknowledging that a feeling is present, whether we know why or not, and treating that feeling with kindness and compassion, can help us to better manage difficult feelings, and move on with what is important to us. If you aren’t able to speak to someone about your emotions, journaling and writing about them can be helpful, too.

12. Calm your Mind through Deep Breathing

It is important to have a form of breathing practice you can call upon any time you become overwhelmed by strong thoughts or emotions. When you feel stress bubbling up inside of you, calm down by recognsing and labeling your stress and then taking a deep breath. Doing some slow and deep breathing can lower your heart rate and blood pressure, and is the fastest way to lower your stress levels. Even one minute will make a big difference. There are a number of different techniques to try:

• Diaphragmatic breathing
• Mindful breathing

It is always more effective to learn any new skill under calm rather than stressful circumstances, so when you first start practising breathing exercises it’s best to do it when you feel relatively calm.

13. Try to Prevent Conflict

Family and extended families can be complicated. Christmas can force people together who, other than their ancestry, have very little in common. Add alcohol alongside different world views and values and things can go pear shaped very quickly. Try these tips to prevent conflict:

• Break up celebrations to try to limit any clashes (e.g., see one group of relatives on Christmas Eve, and another on Christmas Day).
• Before going to an event be aware of topics you know you need to avoid (e.g., family history, money, politics, vaccines). Consider preparing a few neutral topics beforehand so you have something to speak about to reduce tension.
• If you have a trusted family member attending the same event, speak to them beforehand and ask them to look out for you on the day or work out a signal in case you need "rescuing". If not, you might want to consider bringing a friend along.
• If a sensitive topic does arise, then prioritise your self-care, and excuse yourself to help out with food preparation or cleaning , or use any other excuse that helps remove yourself from the immediate conversation.

One of the number one tips on Christmas Day to prevent conflict is it ensure  people are focusing on an activity, such as backyard cricket, a board game tournament, or outside games on the grass, to keep people distracted and engaged. Often these activities can bring the group together positively.

If you’re hosting an event, make sure there are lots of low alcohol and non-alcoholic drinks on hand too.

14. Be Present

When the big day comes, try to be present and enjoy the little moments. The act of paying attention to the present moment helps you to stay grounded, calm your body and mind, and promotes better mental health. 

One of the most effective ways to anchor yourself in the present is to tune into your five senses. So, when you notice yourself getting carried off by thoughts, bring yourself back to the present moment by deliberately focusing your attention on what you can see, hear, taste, smell and touch. For example, as you’re eating lunch try to notice the smiles on people’s faces (🧐), the smell of the different food on your plate (👃), the taste of the food as you eat it (👅), the feeling of your feet on the floor (✋), and the sounds of conversations around you (👂). Savour the moment. Soak it all up. 

15. Embrace Loved Ones Who Have Passed

For people who have lost a loved one, Christmas can be a particularly hard time. It is OK to feel however you feel. The best thing to do is to try not avoid or hide your emotions, and accept that you may not feel your best. Create realistic expectations for yourself, know your social limits, and above all, be gentle with yourself.

If you have lost a loved one, you could consider what you can do on these special occasions to embrace the relationship and memories. You may want to consider continuing a tradition that your loved one enjoyed during the holiday period. For example, if they liked to cook a certain meal, then you can cook that meal as a positive reminder and a nod to your relationship with them. You might have special Christmas ornaments in their memory that you place on the tree. Or light a special candle you light each year in their memory. You could share their favourite drink, or play their favourite holiday songs. You may wish to reminisce and share your memories or fun stories about your loved one with a good friend or family member. Writing in a journal may also help.

Read more about managing grief during the festive season here.  

16. Practice Gratitude

When we are stressed, we tend to focus on everything that is going wrong, and can forget all the positive things that are happening in our lives. 

Gratitude is about being grateful for what we have, not what we do not.

Amongst all the busyness, try to pause and reflect on what is good in your world. Expressing gratitude for even the smallest thing – talking with a friend, a walk with your dog, a tasty meal, time out for a bath, good health, the sound of children’s laughter, can help reduce our stress and put things in perspective.

Remembering those positive moments and bringing to mind things you feel good about boosts your happiness, relationships and health, and, in turn, can decrease your stress.

17. Be Kind to Yourself if you are Alone

The Christmas stereotype of large families and their many friends getting together for a wonderful time can focus people’s attention on what is missing in their own lives. Many people are lonely at Christmas for many different reasons – family breakdowns being a major one. In fact, research shows 90% of people who are estranged from their families find the Christmas period challenging.

If Christmas is a lonely time for you, then it is important to have some strategies in place. Consider the following:

• Try to speak to a someone you trust about your situation. This may be a trusted family member, friends, or a professional such as a doctor.
• If you feel lonely, consider if you would reach out to one of your acquaintances. Remember, if you don't say anything, then people will not know that you would like company during the holidays.
• You could also try to seek out community, religious or other social events. Many have websites, online support groups, and social media sites. They can offer support and companionship.
• If you have no plans, make sure you take some time to plan activities for yourself you might enjoy. This could include going to the beach, enjoying a book by yourself, or going to a museum. Start a new tradition just for you.
• Helping others or performing small acts of kindness is great way to care for your own wellbeing as well as support others who may be going through a difficult time. You could do some festive volunteering at a local charity or community centre, take a festive treat to a lonely neighbour, or collect old books and clothes and donate them to an Op shop. Volunteering your time or doing something to help others also is a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your connections. Find volunteering opportunities here. This may include hamper preparation or delivery, or serving Christmas lunch to the homeless, but you generally need to register early.

18. Reach Out for Support if You Need to

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, in need of support, or just wanting to chat during the holiday period, Beyondblue and Lifeline have experienced people ready to talk 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

• Beyondblue: Call 1300 224 636 or chat online at www.beyondblue.org.au/support-service/chat
• Lifeline: Call 13 11 14 or text 0477 131 114 or chat online at www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

Remember, you are not alone.

Help is always available.